


Repieve

by Kiitsuo



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 08:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9712964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiitsuo/pseuds/Kiitsuo
Summary: Safety is not a luxury Yuri could afford. Safety is conditional, safety is a reward. Perform well enough and you can escape the looming danger for a little bit. But in Yuuri, Yuri finds reprieve.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what to say about this other than I sort of want to do more with this idea I have that Yuri has PTSD.
> 
> cross posted to my tumblr (http://yuriyuu.tumblr.com)

Sometimes for Yuri, life is loud. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a cacophony of dirty memories etched into his skin, violent thoughts on infinite repeat, adrenaline that turns into outward aggression at every person, intentions be damned. Sometimes, most of the time, that’s all he feels life is.

Yuuri once told him he skated because it was the only time his mind was empty, that he found solace on the empty ice in an empty rink. “It’s the only place I can truly escape,” Yuuri said.

“Me too,” Yuri had simply replied.

Yuri thinks they are escaping from different things, have different meanings of the word ‘escape’. He certainly prays they do, anyway. Yuuri is a good person; he deserves more than a life measured in escape routes and mapped with fear.

Sometimes, the crushing weight of waging a war he deemed necessary to survive is too much to bear. As proud of Yuri is of his accomplishments on the ice, of his tireless hard work toward improvement, of his iron will to simply shut up and endure, endure, endure, sometimes, he just breaks.

It had been an off day. A series of flubbed jumps, annoying flippant remarks from rink mates, and constant stream of, “Focus, Yuri!” from his coach. It was something he should be used to by all means, and he was used to it. But today, he couldn’t deal with it. He grits his teeth, he jumps again, he fucks up, he falls, and this time, he doesn’t pick himself up. Yakov is saying something, but he can’t discern what. He wants to leave. No. He needs to leave. 

So he does. Without a single word to anyone, he gets up and walks out right in the middle of Yakov’s lecture.

Truth be told, Yuri doesn’t remember walking out, but when his mind comes back to his body, he finds himself sitting a corner, staring vapidly at a tiled bathroom floor. He let’s out a shaky sigh, and hides his face in his knees. He doesn’t want to go back and face everyone, he doesn’t want to skate, he doesn’t want to do anything. 

The bathroom door squeaks open, and as if he were on autopilot Yuri screams, “Get the fuck out!”

“...Yuri?”

Fuck, he knows that voice. Of all the people he wants to be screaming at, Yuuri isn’t on that list.

“Is everything okay?” Yuuri sounds closer to him now, but he refuses to look up.

“I’m fine! Just fucking leave you moron!” He already yelled at him once, so who cares if he yells at him again, right? Not that he wants to be yelling at Yuuri, he did absolutely nothing wrong, but what else is he to do? 

Yuuri doesn’t leave, nor does he yell back. He doesn’t respond at all, actually. All he does is sit down next to Yuri, and together, they sit in silence.

But as nice as Yuuri’s reassuring presence is, it’s too much for Yuri to bear right now. He’s utterly overwhelmed by Yuuri’s kindness to stay with him despite the fact he hasn’t earned it. While logically he knows Yuuri cares about his well being and cares about him as a person, to actually experience such simple, unconditional kindness is another matter entirely. 

It’s dizzying, and now he’s starting to cry. Yuri tries to breathe, to steady and ground himself, to get himself to stop crying, but instead his breath can caught in his throat and he chokes. That’s all it takes for the dam to break and for him to start sobbing hysterically.

Yuri’s sudden loud sobbing startles Yuuri, and now he’s at a loss of what to do. Should he try to comfort him? Would that feel condescending? Would inviting him to talk feel invasive? He doesn’t know what to do.

At the very least, he could get water for Yuri. He knows from plenty of firsthand experience that water works miracles for the aftermath of such hysterical sobbing. 

“Ah! Yuri! I’ll get you some water! Hold on!” Yuuri starts to stammer out. Before he can fully get up, he feels Yuri grab his arm and pull him back down.

“Just stay with me, god damnit!” Yuri sounds desperate, and...scared?

Yuuri sits back down next to him without a word, and before he can say anything, Yuri crawls into his lap, wraps his arms around him, and buries his face into his shoulder. “Please, just stay with me.” His voice is quieter now, vulnerable even. 

Tentatively, he hugs Yuri back. “I’m not leaving, so don’t worry, okay?”

They stay like that for a while until Yuri’s sobs begin to die down and his breathing begins to even out. He’ll stay here like this for as long as Yuri needs, until Yuri decides it’s time to pull away.

For once, Yuri feels like he’s safe, if only for a little while.

Safety is not a luxury Yuri could afford. Safety is conditional, safety is a reward. Perform well enough and you can escape the looming danger for a little bit. But in Yuuri, Yuri finds reprieve. 

And for that, he’s thankful.


End file.
